After foolishly spending three hundred plus dollars at Starbucks in a little under four months, I’ve come to realize that I’ve fallen for a trick .You could consider me an expert Starbucks consumer, or a play toy that corporate Starbucks loves to manipulate. It wasn’t by any chance that hot water, free, and a teaspoon of coffee grounds, personally estimated at $0.10, would cost me over three hundred dollars in four months.
From speaking to people about their interpretation of Starbucks with an unbiased opinion, I have concluded that a vast majority see Starbucks as a quaint, cheerful, relaxing, and productive place to be. This can be supported by my personal observations. From my time in Starbucks I’ve seen craiglists exchanges, interviews, team soccer jersey designers, chatty unemployed moms, and city council boards, doing what they do best, sitting around and drinking coffee.
Moms with their kids, grandmas that can barely walk, dads after a long day at work, and even Mrs. Zink somehow make it to the counter that serves the majestic fluid. The 2,045 percent marked up fluid that has made Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks, a recent addition to the billionaires club. A large regular coffee at Starbucks is truly worth $0.11, but sold at $2.25. Typical items should only be marked up by 300 percent from their true production value.
My experiences interacting with the enabler, covered by a fancy, hard to pronounce, Italian name, barista, are consciously negative, and emotionally neutral. I try not to get angry. Barista means “bartender” in Italian, further hinting to the enabler aspect. As an onlooker to the bashing success of Starbucks, the barista asks the victim if they want a shot added their drink, most often thinking it’s free, the victim says yes, only to discover that their subconscious yes as they were awed by the expensive looking machines that made exotic “slurping” noises, just costs them $0.55. 2 minutes later, the pretend-to-be cheerful barista approaches the counter and exclaims the most often botched attempt at saying my true name as “Gwen”, “Len”, “Ben”, “Ken”, or something “enn”, but regardless, everyone at Starbucks is happy. Except -- only to the experienced, like myself, know of the imminent danger ahead of the too enthusiastic, or too frequent Starbucks enthusiasts.
After not realizing one of the 21st centuries biggest rip offs, victims often find a place to retreat in the friendly environment as they catatonically stare at each other drinking the majestic fluid. It isn’t until 15 minutes later that the victim discovers that the Starbucks environment is annoying them. I personally believe that corporate Starbucks intentionally designs its environment to encourage customers to leave after 15 minutes. I call it the Starbucks “walk-in-walk-out” principle. To satisfy the walk in walk out principle, Starbucks has many subtle tricks. Such as outfitting their lobby with tiny tables with heights that naturally rest above the fold of an arm, so that after 10 minutes the arm falls asleep because it’s on an incline. Basketball players and tall people will most likely not experience this problem. At the Starbucks on Pearl & Fay, they have lined the wall with visually comfortable chairs. Chairs with nice leather and cushioning. However applying the Starbucks “walk-in-walk-out” principle, they intentionally put a hole in the chair where lumbar support in most critical. The longest time I’ve sat on one of the visually comfortable chairs was thirty minutes, Starbucks won. But If it isn’t the, baby crying, or the loud Mary Kay tea party cackles that resonate off of the cheap paintings, it’s the loud and very annoying Beatles music that caps off the happy spirit.
I’ve actually contacted Starbucks through their complaints form regarding the irritating Beatles music that they play louder than a normal conversation. I made sure to write an urgent sounding message with the barista’s names, location, and time so that they felt identified enough to care. The next day the music was a bit softer, but the song Hard Days Night kept jingling my brain to complete stand-still. It was almost as bad as walking into Abercrombie & Fitch with the upbeat catwalk thumping noises. Once again, my visit to Starbucks with Beatles playing, totaled under 45 minutes, Starbucks won.
Starbucks also outfits their lobby with miniature ergonomic looking wood chairs. 4 petite flimsy looking legs extend from the main body of the chair. From my experience with this type of chair, you better have a strong back. Leaning back or forward will give the victim a sense of almost falling. I’ve sat in this chair for at most an hour. Starbucks won.
I’ve noticed that Starbucks also makes the cash register area look pleasing and calm. They populate the area with cool looking mugs, warm colors, colorful light fixtures, Beatles albums, smart water, and cute displays.They want all of their customers to huddle next the cash register as if it were an umbrella and there was a torrential downpour.
When criticized they attribute their visually comfortable, and physically uncomfortable environment to a modern European coffee house, covering up the underlying reason. They want people to stand up and browse their expensive collection of mugs, and free the area for a roomy, more relaxing “walk-in-walk-out” environment.
If the happy chaos doesn't make you feel like family, their rewards program will. Customers that use Starbucks gift cards are eligible to the rewards program. For every purchase Starbucks rewards the victim a star. Victims can go to their rewards accounts online and watch the animation of their stars falling into a cup like the are in Kindergarten. Corporate Starbucks knows that their victims are so stupid that they can only visualize a star and not the number of stars. They don’t want to associate numbers with coffee, likewise numbers representing money spent on coffee. I spent so much money at Starbucks that I’m currently a gold member. The benefits? Free refills on tea and coffee, a free drink every 15 coffees bought, and other perks that they labeled “other promotions” to fill 3 bullet points making the program look better, and satisfying the brochure dimensions required.
After buying $4.60 of majestic fluid the barisita asks if I would like to print out a receipt, and if I reply yes they stare at me as if I’m a big bad tree killer. And humiliate me in front of all the 10 or so trained victims that snarl as I walk away from the line. Everyone is hooked to the live performance as the 2 minutes per drink, 10 person line proceeds cheerfully.
By the way, if your an attractive looking women visit the Starbucks on Fay and Pearl, the barista will most often give you a free drink card. If he asks you a personal question, lie. I witnessed him ask a women about the Maserati that she drove. In casual conversation 2 weeks prior, she told him about her car. Yet somehow after 4 months of my Monday through Friday visits he still didn’t remember my name. Yes it’s the barista that makes chirping noises and throws straws at me.
Luckily my dad rescued me the day that he noticed an accumulated amount of three hundred dollars spent at Starbucks in twenty-five dollar increments. It was his credit card. I’ve argued that my little brother has gotten more than thirty thousand dollars in Tommy John arm surgeries, and that I’ve been cheap, and that I should be relived of having to pay him back. It worked.
